I found re-adjustment to the new environment quite hard. In the meantime, my wife became more and more distant and less supportive. We had arguments like any other couple; however, I grew more and more emotional and anxious, due my sense of isolation and loneliness, and our arguments became more frequent. I even broke things a couple of times. Unbeknownst to me, she had been collecting evidence to get divorced and win full child custody.
Ever since she left, she and her family have stone walled me. I know that she reads my emails and sometimes forwards them to her older brother I have installed an email tracking program on my computer.
My ex is not rich and her brother has his own wife and kids. Her mother is not rich either. Her brother emailed me a couple of weeks ago about my Korean credit card debt asking me to respond the notice from the bank. I thought that it could be away to find a way to contact her or to at least know about my son.
Several times I offered to send child support, but she never gave me her bank account information. I sent clothes for my 5 year old son, which has been received. I am now working on myself and am doing my very best to change, not just for her, but for my life. I am truly tired of my old self and am determined to change. I have been emailing her almost every day, which I admit, is obsessive.
I am truly remorseful and I hope that there is a way to make amends and look after my son, and if possible, my ex. What is your old self. It could be that your old self was too traumatic for your wife to reconcile with. I would continue to look within for the answered to this situation rather than try to figure out why your wife is doing what is best for her and what the courts have ruled is best for your son too. Good luck with your life, maybe with some time, you will be able to have a relationship with your son.
Hello everyone. I hope some of you can help me with my dilemma. I have been married to my wife for 6 years and been together We have 2 beautiful kids. We have been separated for almost 2 months. The way things started was when I walked out on her. I packed up my things and left. After we had gotten into an argument the night before. I was done with her trying to control me and with everything I did. I drink but just to have one or two. I work my butt off.
Just so my family can have everything they wanted. Yes I admit that they way I did things by leaving was not the best idea. The first week I left she was begging for me to get back with her. She was doing everything to try for me to go back. The thing is that we lived with her parents. So they had a big part on us not getting back together even if I wanted to.
She had suggested on us getting our own place. And I was still mad and annoyed by her on insisting on us getting back together that I would reject anything she would try. The second weeks come and my eyes open up.
I was staying at my brothers apartment cuz he told me I could stay there until I got on my feet. But that second week it was my turn to have the kids with me. And the fact that I missed her so much. By the second week she was over it and she gave up. She was over me. I was never violent with her but I do have a bad temper and raise my voice at times. But never put my hands on her. I did do a lot of things like neglect her. Or communicate with her. Whenever she wanted to talk or have a small conversation I would just say that we had nothing to talk about.
I was very naive and prideful. I would of never of opened my eyes and seen how much she was worth. And how much she helped me. She always put me before her. She was a very good wife and mother and I never noticed it until it was too late.
When our 2 child was born we had our own place. We were very happy. No fights. Happy to have had a very healthy babygirl. But then a year later her parents asked us to move to their place so we can save for a house.
We always had to tiptoe around them. To this day I stay trying to get back with her. Our kids are suffering the most. My daughter which is 4 now. Cries and says that she wants us together. My son cries as well. Telling her to give me one more chance. I applied for an apartment and got approved and waiting till next month to move in.
I got the place for them. My wife and kids. She lives 45 minutes from where she works. The kids school and babysitter live in the same city she works. I got the apartment in the same city so it can easy for her. Everything is literally 5 minutes from the apartment.
I have no more anger in me. Or fights. I want my family back. I want my wife back. I know she has people telling her what to do. Because she would never do this. Please I need advice from a girls point of view. Thank you. My husband and I have been married 5 years. My husband left insisting that I was controlling I just wanted more than the life he kept wanting to live I wanted a home and a vehicle to be added to the bank accounts and have access to the money and car and to see check Stubbs and bills he worked an hour away I knew no one in our town and we had moved multiple times due to him spending and not letting me have part of the finances to make a budget his debt caught up to him and he would blame me for not having money when he was spending it.
I did not want to be trapped all day long inside an apartment he moved us away from family and kept us secluded from people and we only went out went he wanted us to. All that you described yourself is how he is. I have 3 children ages 3 and under. We lived with my parents for a while to save for a home too but my mother was controlling. Even if we wanted to get back together she is against it and my relatives. My husband was not physically abusive and worked a lot. Work caught up to him we did not ever see him he worked holidays birthdays.
He is repeating exactly what his dad and mom did to him he abandoned us. He is not showing any effort to reconcile or restore our marriage. He controlled the finances vehicle bills credit cards and was messing around he lied and manipulated and we have grown apart no matter how much effort I have put into our marriage. I am willing to reconcile And heal and restore and forgive.
I keep praying and believing. I wonder and hope that he wants to come back and restore our marriage and be a father to our kids. He has a lawyer the day he hired him he had a car wreck,racked up insurmountable amount of medical debt and terminated our health insurance and sent his grandparents to our home to harass us.
His family i do not trust with our kids they drink party gossip and are part of destroying our marriage. There has been multiple court reset dates. I put my faith and trust in my husband I relied and depended on him more than God.
Only God can restore and reconcile my husband and my marriage. He can change his heart and remind him of the love we had and what he gave up and what he has to loose. Whatever happens believe that God has this and thank him. Maybe she has wise points for you to consider.
But you are all adults and in the end, this is your decision to make. Thank you Roxanne. We got together really young. I know where I messed up and I know what to do to make things right. This separation has made me a better person. Better father. I was too stubborn to admit it before. But thanks to her I have this job. But I wanna be happy with her. I wanna be happy in love with her. I miss all the small things she would do before. I am feeling the exact same it is difficult especially when you want to fix it and miss that person so much more than they could imagine.
Thank you for your prayers. Personally I left because I was tired of getting accused of adultery. I mean I would give her reasons to but I never did anything. But she wants to struggle. She can live here in my apartment whenever she opens her eyes. I hope she opens her eyes soon. She wanted attention and affection and I never gave that to her. I wanna do all the things she wanted. To hold her hand. Kiss her. Hug her. Cuddle with her. The small things I took for granted. Roxanne, my eyes opened up the moment she started not caring anymore.
He has to prove himself worthy to her. Especially if she grew up with him. He should be a man that you are proud to grow with in front of your daughter. Remember that she endured the abuse just as much as you did.
Her concerns are valid. Consider taking your time and dating him again rather than having him at the house, inviting him to every event and giving him privileges into your family life that he lost the keys to.
Yes she has her opinions. Her concern is a sign of love. Emotional abuse can cause phiysical pain. I would keep your distance. And go to therapy. Look within rather than trying to figure out why people are doing what is right for them and their children. I still feel very guilty as he has no friends and his family are very distant to him Because of his personality. I have suffered mentally and physical abuse and I know if I had not taken this step I would have ended up being depressed.
I am lonely but I feel I am at peace. I am 58 years old and I work full time but sometimes I feel I also want to leave the working world But cannot do that as I am own. My husband wants me back for the company as he is lonely and also in years to come I would have to end up nursing him as he suffers from Atrial fibileration which eventually leads to a heart failure.
I all most see him most weekends and we go out as well. But sometimes he iratate me so much and I lose my patience with him. Omg, you poor thing! You deserve better! Hello everyone, This is a bit of a long story and I am gonna try to shorten it a little bit, but here it goes.
My husband and I had been together since I was 16, Now 21 , and we married when I was 18 years old. He was always a bit older than me… 7 years older than me. He was 23 when we got together. I know, I know I was young, but yes in my state it is legal. Anyway, at first I was just head over heels for him. I felt as though he made me feel like the only person in the world, and with me growing up with confidence issues, it was something I was not used to.
I think back now, and I believe I was in love with the idea of love. I was in love with the idea of marriage and the perfect wedding. I was sorely mistaking when I thought of those things, but I do now realize. We married when I was 18, and everything was great.
A couple months before, we had broken up because I felt as though he was extremely childish and needed to do some growing up. Well, about maybe a week, I am not completely sure, went by and he calls me. He was extremely upset and such and was talking about suicide. Well, he ended up taking almost a whole bottle of pills while he was on the phone with me, and ended up being very disoriented and such. I ended up having to call his mother, he had moved back in with her , to go and check on him after I told her what he had done.
He was sitting in his car in their drive way and was foaming at the mouth and all. Well, he ended up on the psychiatric floor at the hospital for almost a week.
After he got out, we ended up getting back together. Well, we got married and things at that time were great. About maybe a little less than a month went by, and he turns into this completely different person. No where near what he used to be like.
It was like he did a complete with himself. Well, I thought it would change and things would go back to normal, but they never did. This past year, , he pushed me to my limit and i left for about a week and went and stayed with my mom, just to give us both some space. We were constantly arguing. We could not be in the same room without arguing.
Well, he ended up asking me to come back and told me that if things were not different within so and so amount of time that we would separate. Now, he has told me many times that he would change, that he was going to go and get his GED and go to school to better himself, and a bunch of other empty promises. He has been promising me these things for about 3 years now.
So, I came back deciding that I owed it to myself to give my marriage another go, because I did not want to marry just to turn around and get divorced.
Well, things never changed. They had gotten worse. My brother divorced his wife because she was cheating on him for a year before he found out. He moved in with us. Well, my husband and brother are best friends. They have been for a long time. They also love to play the game on the Xbox. Well, that is all they did. My husband would go to work, come home and get on the game for the rest of the day and most of the night. I would be ignored completely. We ended up arguing even more.
I would lay in our bedroom by myself for hours and he never checked on me, and I would end up going to bed by myself, crying myself to sleep because I felt like I was not worth his attention. Well, I ended up telling him to remember those days because I tried to come to him and work on things. I told him one day he would realize it and he would want to try then and by the time that it happened, I would be at my wits end and not care anymore.
Well, what do you think happened? Months went by and day after day I slowly began to not care anymore. Well, when he realized everything he came to me. I told him the words I had said that day, and he got mad.
During the next couple months he had constantly accused me of cheating on him. I got tired of being blamed for something I did not do. In the 5 years that I have been with him, I have never been afraid of him, and I was truly afraid of him that day because he got so angry, and got so loud and started breaking things.
Well, he packed all of his things except a few smaller things and he left. He went back to his mothers. Now, we live in a house that my grandmother bought for me. Its a small single wide, and I am currently still in school and not able to work. She paid all of the bills here and agreed to as long as I got my education done and got a good job and then I could take over. Well, he works full time…when he goes in… and pays his car payment, insurance, and phone bill.
He never offered to pay anything here or take responsibility. He has never known the full responsibility of living on his own, and he is almost 28 years old. I feel as though he is still very childish, and he lacks major communication skills. He will not go and get his GED and no matter what I do to try and motivate him, it never works. Anyway, we went and signed the divorce papers, and I filed them and then he begins to constantly want to battle me to get me back.
One minute he is saying that I can take my time and figure out what I want, then the next he is all depressed and talking about wanting to die and then he is trying to rush me into making a decision. I am struggling with myself mentally, physically, and emotionally because on top of all of this between him and I, I lost my grandmother last month.
She was the person I always went to that could provide me clarity. I honestly do not know what to do with the situation between him and I, because I am ready to move on with my life, and start paying myself some attention. I have always been constantly worried about everyone else, and I feel like with him I am raising a 28 year old man. I want someone to grow with, and achieve things, and motivate each other.
Someone with initiative and such, but I love my husband. I am not sure that I am looking for anyone to give me answers here, but I thought that it may help to just type it all out. If anyone has any advice, feel free! Thank you for reading, I appreciate it. Same events, suicidal threats, back and forth when you talk about breaking up. I never had a chance to think about myself before. So much peace and quiet and sanity.
What did you do? Did anything change? When confronted, it took days for him to finally admit to it. We immediately separated and the sordid details eventually came out. It was carefully planned for him to participate in a foursome with one the same age as his faughter that a friend of his encouraged him to try.
I was so disgusted. I was hysterical. He has been seeing his own therapist and eventually moved back in. Am I fooling myself that I can learn to love him again? Ive been trying so hard to work on reconciling due to the upcoming wedding. I have been physically separated from my husband for one year but emotionally for two after I found out he was cheating. We were married for 17 years before all this came down. He went into a crazy downward self destructive path after he got involved with this person.
He ended up losing almost everything including his brilliant career, savings, business, our home, and ultimately us, my daughter and I, his family. His discard of us was cruel, manipulative and with malice. He gave me two years to get my life together. He gave a list of things I needed to accomplished by July He was so cold and never showed any compassion or pity even though I have stayed to cared for him and our daughter and had not work for 15 years.
He destroyed his relationship with his daughter with his lies, his lies became pathological and sick. I knew he was lying, I knew he was deceitful, I knew he was playing games but he was so powerful and I was so weak from the pain of losing my family. I eventually moved out a year ago in November and started to put my life together slowly, last year was very hard because in the middle of my own struggles trying to survived, heal and have stability for my daughter a senior in HS he will come back to us in cycles of push and pull.
He will profess his love for us and his remorse, we will get our hopes up and as soon as he showed up, he will disappeared.
He will blame us if we dared to confront him. My daughter and I, separately began recognizing the pattern. His relationship was of a toxic nature, alcohol, maybe drugs and of course breakups and hookups. Every time he will breakup with her, he will look for us.
Moving forward to today, January When he first contacted me in December, crying and for the first time apologizing for what he have done to the family and for all the horrible things he did to me and our daughter.
I felt this rush of energy and optimism, the love was still there along with the hope. I need guidance of others, I need to identify if I am listening to my intuition or if I am listening to my hurt feelings. Do I love him still or did I feel out of love with him.
Should I give time? Should I just file for Divorce finally and close this chapter, because I know in mu guts that he will never change. Whoever reads this and resonates with their experience, please reply. I am a second language speaker, my apologies for grammatical, editing errors.
Tina — I am sorry for the pain that your daughter and you have suffered. I do not have much time to write now, but I think you know in your heart whether you can trust him and whether he has changed.
Monica — I am sorry that you are facing this. I am in a much better spot emotionally, not fearing his behavior and abuse or bring subject to the intense verbal abuse. But I still struggle with depression and anxiety. But then I feel stuck in limbo, not able to move on with my life either way because he is not doing what he needs to in order to reconcile.
My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for one year married March 23rd, She divorced me on November 6th, We have two kids together ages 3 and 7.
A boy and a girl. Around 10 years into our relationship, we separated over my verbal abuse. While we were working it out, she cheated on me. It destroyed me completely. I prayed for months, and somehow we got back together. We never resolved these problems between us. My anger over her cheating kept coming up.
In December of , I put my hands on her. In April she pressured me to move in with her to a new place. I refused at first because of our unresolved problems and fighting. Eventually, I gave in and moved in with her and our kids. We argued for an entire month. In May, she served me with a restraining order. I had to leave with nothing. In June I contested the order for visitation with my kids. I won supervised visitation with them. Two days later at work I was arrested.
She filed a criminal complaint and for divorce. Three months later I was tried for felony domestic violence. I was convicted. I know this sounds terrible. She was my best friend and the love of my life. I feel I was for her as well. I have a hard time every day. I want to reconcile with her someday. I go to counseling, and I also meet with a marriage therapist.
I want to be who I used to be when she first fell in love with me. Does anyone have any advice??? Speaking from the positions of your wife, keep making the changes you need to make tonbr the man you want to be.
And definitely leverage couples therapy! Hello, me and my ex husband has divorced twice!! There was error on both parts, he started cheating and me being spiteful i did also. We have 3 children together and 1 that is not his from a relationship before him. Ive went through so many things with him and we were married for 5 years together a total of 9.
Recently i moved and lost my job and got into a finacial bind, out of desperation i moved him in to help. Very quickly i realized why we seperated, we had no communication nor trust.
He says all the right things but when it comes to actions.. I want to move on with my life bc i think there is someone better. I dont wont to string him along but i feel the damage is so severe to me that i may never trust him again.
I went to jail for fighting him bc i caught him with another woman and he often plays on my insecurities. Today when i came home there was roses and flowers, a bear and a card where he apologized for his behavior. We are from the same home town and he has qualities that reminds me of my dad whom i admire so….
My husband and I have been together for seventeen years and married for eleven of those years. He has always had a pornography problem since we first moved in together fifteen years ago. We broke up several times because he constantly lied and I constantly found his lies. Finally after on and off for several years he asked me to marry him. I told him yes and that he could have his porn regardless of how I felt about his lies and what it did to me mentally.
I did tell him that if I ever found that he hid or lied to me about porn again then we would be through. Well… Just found out that he has been looking at porn behind my back for the past five years. Even when he was allowed to have his movie collection on Adam and Eve and in our closet. Two children later. We just bought a beautiful new home. I just finished school and this is when I found out about him. My world fell apart. I left him and we have filed for divorce. I feel like this huge weight has lifted and for the first time I am living and responsible for me and my children.
Our final divorce paperwork is in two weeks. He wants me to change my mind and come home. He wants to get counseling because he realizes he has a problem. The torchure on my part is that he so good looking, smart, witty, and an amazing dad. You need to take the appropriate amount of time to think, grieve your former relationship and ensure nobody is pressuring you to get back together.
Take your reconciliation as a new relationship. This suggests that you should go through the same steps you do in a relationship. Date and get to know one another on a new level. Once you have dated for a while, then you can move back in together and resume sharing bills and living as husband and wife. Nothing brings out unwanted opinions more than decisions you make about your personal relationship. If this is the case with your friends and family, you may want to keep your reconciliation private until you are sure it is.
Jumping into a reconciliation will confuse your children and extended family if you are not certain that you are staying together. There is no need to put your family through another separation if you are only just flirting with the idea of getting back together.
It goes without saying that if you separated because of an infidelity in your marriage , you should get this person out of your life immediately, especially if you are getting back together with your spouse. This means cutting them off in person, delete them from your phone and social media, and make yourself clear with this person that you are going back, faithfully, to your spouse and want to work out your marriage without distraction. You owe this to your marriage mate.
Continuing a secret relationship is not fair to anyone involved. Getting back together is a weighty decision. It is important that you both took your time to discuss at length what you both require from your relationship to continue moving forward together. For example, you need more emotional support , you need a date night, you need your partner to be more present in your family life, you need to change careers, or maybe you need to move.
Whatever it is you need, voice it without hesitation to your partner. Your relationship must be a give and take this time around. Learning to forgive is a huge part of marital reconciliation. By agreeing to get back together you agree to forgive. This means you are both creating a fresh start together so that you can move forward with an unblemished reputation.
If you cannot truly forgive, you need to give yourself more time before you reconcile your marriage. There is never any shame in seeking professional help to revive and restore your marriage.
Marriage counseling is a great way to voice your concerns about getting back together and to seek advice on how to trust one another again. Your counselor is an unbiased third party who can help you work through any issues you have had in the past and advise you on how to move forward.
Of course, there will be the need to work on the relationship from both partners — and in some cases, the one partner who messed up should be willing to make it up to the partner who was and feels wronged. However, before you decide whether or not you want to reconcile, ask yourself the following questions:. Ask yourself why you want to reconcile after the separation.
Do you miss your partner, are you still in love with them, is it because of financial reasons, or is it because of the children you share? You need to pin down exactly why you want to get back together with your partner, that way you can make it work because you will be reminded why you fought so hard for them. Couples separate for a variety of reasons, according to a research study conducted in the highest reason why couples separate is because of lack of commitment, followed by excessive arguments, infidelity, and domestic violence.
Getting back together after a separation is highly dependent on the reasons why you separated and whether or not these reasons can be forgiven or overlooked. Why Do Married Couples Separate?
Source: how-to-save-marriage. Are you ready to forgive your partner for what they did to you and are you ready to take responsibility for what you did to your partner? Are you willing to seek professional help for your marriage to work? Are you willing to put in the work, emotionally invest in making yourself better so that your partner has a reason to stay with you and that you are not offering empty promises?
In order for you to reconcile with your partner, you need to first resolve why you got separated in the first place. Reconciliation after separation is a long road and it will require the both of you to work towards saving your family and be willing to go to therapy or seek religious help in order to get to the root of your issues and learn how to fix them. The average length of separation before reconciliation is 2 years.
For most couples, they will reconcile between 1 and 2 years, whereas the couples that make it through to the third year of separation usually get a divorce.
So how do you know that your marriage is heading for reconciliation after separation? The following signs will allow you to know if your marriage will have a successful reconciliation after separation:. When your partner makes an effort to talk to you. Talking is the first sign that your partner wants to work things out with you and that they are willing to hear your side of the story.
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