Hopefully, we are then socialized to be attuned to others so that we might form mutual friendships where we learn over time to focus on others in the dance of interdependence. For all too many, however, these processes go awry. There is misattunement, trauma, or both. If we are emotionally neglected, our emotional limbic system will not develop a stable sense of wholeness and relatedness. If our mothers experience distress, we absorb that distress into our being as well. If we suffer the traumas of abuse, early social rejection, social isolation, or bullying, our capacity to engage in interdependence with a sense of safety and wholeness can be damaged.
Disconnected and broken, we slip into self-centeredness. Being self-centered is costly. It is at the root of many psychiatric illnesses, including addiction, personality disorders, anxiety disorders, and depression.
Self-centeredness damages relationships, because self-ruminations rob you of the capacity to tune into and attend to others. You cannot be empathic. It is a vicious cycle, because the anxiety that drives negative self-centered ruminations causes more anxiety. Self-centeredness may even contribute to more health problems and a shortened life span.
Self-reflection, as opposed to self-centeredness, can be helpful. Thinking through our problems, for example, can be helpful for problem solving, especially when done with others. Self-reflection can also enhance insight—again best with the help of others—as we attempt to make sense of ourselves and our lives. If self-reflection can help us to develop a compassionate, insightful, and accountable narrative of ourselves, then it can promote healing and growth.
So how do we counter self-centeredness? The answer is through the practices of mindfulness and love. First, practice mindfulness. Mindfulness helps us see and sets us free. Recognize that you are engaging in this negative mental habit.
Then note what is driving it. It is negative depressive ruminations about the past, or anxious ruminations about the future? Is it narcissistic self-preoccupation with your specialness as an antidote to your underlying sense of inadequacy?
Can you feel the lack of a sense of safe connectedness and wholeness? Get in touch with your suffering. Become mindful of your underlying pain. Then feel compassion for your pain. The next mindful step is to not take yourself personally. See the obvious: that you are not your conditioned recurring sequences of thought patterns, and nor are you the painful feelings that visit your consciousness on such a regular basis.
You do not choose the mental and emotional ruminations that arise in your Awareness. Seeing that you are the empty field of Awareness in which conditioned thoughts and feelings arise gives you some distance and freedom from these mind products.
By mindfully not taking yourself personally, you defuse shame and unhook yourself from your self-centeredness. Now you are free. This does two things: it sets the stage for you to cultivate self-love and it frees you to let go of your self-centeredness and lovingly focus outward on Life. In your mindfulness, practice being in the Now. This helps you to let go of negative ruminations about the past and anxious ruminations about the future.
With mindfulness comes the intentional daily practice of love. Devote yourself to loving yourself. Self-compassion is healing. Blend it with self-affirmations. I love you. You are good and whole and sacred just as you are, with all your mistakes and imperfections. Greet them with kindness, but allow them to pass on their own accord in the light of your loving Awareness. Cultivate the feeling of love that arises with the practice of stillness.
It is up to us, the non-self-centered individuals, to establish these boundaries for self-care and our well-being. If you need a little help, keep these tips in mind. This just sets you up to be manipulated in some way, shape or form or influences you in undesirable ways. Set limits. Alexander adds that establishing healthy boundaries will make it easier for you to communicate your needs during interactions with the self-centered people in your life.
And if the dynamic is constantly stressful or draining, you need to withdraw. So, distance is often a necessary component. It also is unhealthy for individuals to live their lives from that frame of reference. If you find yourself in a situation like this, Alexander says it would be helpful to work with a mental health professional.
Alexander recommends not even trying to. What you can do is focus on what matters most in this dynamic — yourself. Tired of being one-upped or disregarded by a self-absorbed person? Get three tips for dealing with self-centered people from a behavioral health therapist. In the long run, however, you are better off attending to the causes of your low self-image - even if it means a period of loneliness, Neuharth said.
If you think that you may be self-centered or narcissistic or if you have a loved one who is, therapy is often recommended so that you or your loved one can learn to form happy, healthy relationships. By subscribing you agree to the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. Health Topics.
Health Tools. Healthy Living. By Tina Vasquez. Reviewed: November 15, It's no wonder why self-centeredness is typically viewed as the most unappealing personality trait in a potential friend or partner.
Most of us struggle to maintain a sense of compassion and understanding toward others. Here is a look into the world of the self-centered person and an explanation of common personality traits associated with self-centeredness.
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